Integrate
I’ve done some substances in the past, and I loved them for what they were for me at the time. Ecstasy, mushrooms, K, and some other stuff that I probably can’t identify as clearly as I should be able to and I am lucky to have survived. I’ve also had some wicked mystical experiences, and if you put together all of these altered states of consciousness, I’d say I’ve had quite a good run. It’s interesting to me now witnessing psychedelics go mainstream, and not surprising to see the ever intrepid fringes of capitalism thirsting after something that at one point was sacred to someone.
Well, we can’t stop capitalism cozying up to psychedelics. All we can do is try to navigate these waters with the best intentions and with a decent compass. Maybe even have someone on board who actually knows what the fuck they are talking about (see Zach Rieck, LCSW). People from all over seem to be keying in to the opportunity to find healing through the use of substances like MDMA, Psilocybin and Ketamine. And it’s true…. they can really help.
The thing is, you can’t just do these substances and expect anything to change on its own. I’m sorry. For the most part, it does not work that way, as far as I’m concerned. I would question anyone who tries to tell you that while offering you a very expensive therapeutic trip around the block.
Let me tell you a little bit of what I know about the pathways of our brain. Once we find a groove that makes sense in our chaotic environments, our mind locks into that. For better or for worse, in the long run. We may be haunted by self-corrective phantom voices of harsh critique, or hyper-vigilance to threat or abandonment; to an aggressive or hungry impulse, repulsion, shame, disassociation, etc, etc. It may be the only reality we know, given what we have experienced. It may have been an idea that kept us alive or numb enough to get through it, and it may be something a part of us still thinks we need.
Then one day we try some substance in the name of healing or escape and we’re like
EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. I AM LOVE. WE ARE ALL ONE. THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR. GOD IS REAL. I AM ETERNAL.
And maybe we cry, and probably finger paint something simultaneously beautiful and hideous, or do a weird ass dance with a bunch of strangers or throw up on oneself or others. Our pupils are dilated and we tell everyone we love them, and that our life has been changed; we go home and text everyone about it except our mom, while youtubing machine elves.
Then we return to work a day or three later, and everything goes back to normal. Very little (and sometimes nothing at all) has changed. After a few weeks or months our behavior is mostly the same, our thoughts are mostly the same, the feelings we didn’t like are still pretty much fully active and what seemed like a silver bullet becomes much like everything else that we use to medicate our day. Coffee, cigarettes, Tik Tok. A bandaid. We wonder to ourselves when is the next time we can schedule another ceremony. The solution doesn’t stick.
Here is a metaphor that I use to describe what psychedelics are like, in terms of the path to healing. Imagine that, as the person seeking healing, your “healing” is a temple, high on a mountain, deep in the forest. You have no idea how to get to that place, but you are looking for it. You find some substances in the woods, and take them. Suddenly, an angel descends into the darkness of the trees, lifts you up, and you fly right to the temple that you were dreaming was there. You see the whole forest from that viewpoint, and the mountains too. Maybe the city or even the curve of the earth. You see nature, you see the sky. You are above it all. The angel is there, you feel the love, you feel at home. Then you go to sleep in the temple….
… and wake up again in the forest, right where you were the moment you took the medicine. You know that the temple is real…. you were there. You know that your urge to heal and the adventure you set out to go on is worth it, because you got a sneak peak into the possibilities that resulted in that exploration. But now, you have to find your own way to the temple. No matter how many previews you indulge in, you still have to make the journey, by yourself, to this temple, sober. And you have to go the long way. And that is much harder.
The altered state of consciousness (whether its from psychedelics, an out of body or near death experience, an encounter with a biblically accurate angel) has to be integrated into your normal day to day life. You have to change those neurological pathways based on the inkling you were given by that transcendent experience. Whatever you learned on that trip that made you feel amazing and excited to be alive, you have to apply it in a REAL WAY in REAL LIFE.
That is not a passive exercise… it’s something that takes weeks, months, years, lifetimes to get through with effort and intention. It’s a never ending process. Or rather, it can be, because you can always improve. You can always grow, be more in tune, be more creative, be more at peace. But you cannot return to your regular life and keep the same values you have before. How could you?! Seriously! Think about that! Some of the things you value, or bother with, or obsess over, will change or seem different to you, if you are doing the work right. Shouldn’t they? Or no? These mutable things can and should include, but are not limited to:
Carrer shit
Money and Materialism
Love and sex
Friendship
Solitude
Where you choose to live
Your identity
Your sleep
The way you talk to your mom
The way you talk to yourself
How you react to stuff like…. war
and health
and politics
and drugs.
I can go on but you get the idea….. if something has to change, then that thing is EVERYTHING. It is everything because it is your CONSCIOUSNESS we are talking about here. And there is only one way for reality to become something you experience…. and it is THROUGH YOU.
No, you are probably not doing much integration. I’m sorry. I can assume this because I’ve gotten to see a whole lot of this work taking place before my very eyes, and I see the follow up, or lack thereof. There just isn’t much going on. There isn’t a lot of money in figuring out the long term integration of an experience, compared to how profitable and quick substance experiences can be. How do we fix this? I’m not sure I can answer that aside from these suggestions.
Continue to seek the extraordinary. You have to continue to do things that are just as wild as doing mushrooms in upstate NY with some old white guy named Weeping Mountain. Is everything about love now? Prove it. Is money not important? I dare you to keep that idea. Are you willing to speak to yourself like the angel did? Ask someone to help you? Find a way to make NEW PATHWAYS in your brain. Google brain elasticity, somatic therapy, hypnotic regression, cryptozoology, astral projection, lucid dreaming. Go to a BJJ class, or to qigong in the park. Spend time with your kids, or your friends kids. Watch cartoons. Draw. Write a song.
Do something different. As wild as looking for a temple in the woods. Be the real you, and if you don’t know who that is, go into the woods and look for that person. Maybe they know the way to the temple. But whatever you do, do not go back to the way you were before. That is how you were decompressed in reverse, from a diamond to a lump of coal. When you were a baby, you did not have any of this weight on your spirit. You were clean, clear, weightless, open, and in awe. You were curious, and trusting, because fear did not exist. That was you…. do you remember? That was literally you. And you are still you. The one from the forest, and the temple.
